the only part of this game that didn't suck

The FSN camera men clearly agree with me on this: the bat boy's feeble attempt to dislodge a piece of Ryan Doumit's shattered bat out of the backstop screen was more interesting to watch than the feeble attempt at baseball.

Pirates' Baseball

Nothing against Salomon Torres. I named my car after him, in fact.

But seriously, if you're going to send him out to pitch, you're criminally insane.

Tales of a Fourth Starter Nothing

I'm fine with our gimpy little centerfielder hitting a double to knock in the tying run. I'm not okay with him being referred to as Nate the Great on air. Those books were very important to my childhood, and I'll be damned if some hoser is going to ruin that part of my life, too.

Matt Morris

IP - 6.0
H - 7
BB - 5
ER - 5
R - 5
K - 0
HR - 1
Strikes - 45
Balls - 48

First meeting on the mound

Jim Colborn: not the answer.

Omar Vizquel

Gives himself up. AGAIN; this time, however, there happened to be a former Pirate outfielder on thirdbase, ready to score.

I don't want to talk about it.

Third time at the plate for Rajai

Triple.

He's now a homerun away from The Cycle.

Homerun #758

It's not Matt Morris's fault that Bonds just took him yard. Nor is it Barry's fault that people are going to hate him.

No; I'd rather blame Dave Littlefield.

serenity now.

It's not Rajai Davis's fault that he's playing well for another team. Nor is it his fault that Matt Morris sucks.

No; I'd rather blame steroids.



p.s. After Vizquel tried to give himself up, AGAIN, Morris went on to walk him.

Ryan Doumit

...has a really strong arm. He just nailed the guy at the plate trying to tag up. It makes me wonder why we never saw an extended trial of Nady in center, Doumit in right, and Freddy leading off.

Eat shit, Jim Tracey.

First pitch of the bottom of the second

Screamer off the centerfield wall.

First blood

Omar Vizquel, the fielder and the gentleman, decided to cut our fair city and his former teammate a break, and gave himself up with a not-swing of the bat. Then the next guy singled in Rajai Davis. And Bonds just walked!

W - 1
H - 2
IP - .3

= I don't want to talk about it.

Fourth pitch from Morris

Over for a strike.

p.s. Rajai Davis just stole second.

Third pitch from Morris

Base hit by Rajai Davis.

First pitch from Morris

Ball.

Nate McLouth

Where did they get this guy? WHY!?

I shouldn't be this emotional. Except for the fact that he's just another Tike Redmond - and I was promised that we were done with Tike Redmond. I hate you, Littlefield.

Pre-game

Tonight I'm blogging live from my couch in Pittsburgh, where I'll be watching and reviewing Matt Morris as he goes up against his former team, the San Francisco Giants. I anticipate mediocrity and outrage being keys to tonight's game.

They're showing him stretch right now. I hope he had to pay for that pullover with his own money.

Dave Littlefield is afraid of black people

After the Morris deal I started thinking about how all the Pirates' big contracts go to mediocre white guys. I remembered a Q&A on their website last season, where someone had written "The Pirates are the whitest, most American-born roster in baseball; Is there anything to it?" At the time I was just impressed that Q&A guy decided to field that one. Now I realize it was a plant, set up to reassure us that everything is fine. Things are not fine, Ladies & Gentlemen: Dave Littlefield is afraid of black people.

2001 Payroll Leaders
1. Brian Giles
2. Kevin Young (black!)
3. Jason Kendall
4. Derek Bell (black!)
5. Omar Olivares (other)
6. Pat Meares

2002 Payroll Leaders
1. Brian Giles
2. Jason Kendall
3. Kevin Young (black!)
4. Kris Benson
5. Mike Fetters
6. Mike Williams

2003 Payroll Leaders
1. Brian Giles
2. Jason Kendall
3. Kevin Young (black!)
4. Kris Benson
5. Mike Williams
6. Aramis Ramirez (other)

2004 Payroll Leaders
1. Jason Kendall
2. Kris Benson
3. Kip Wells
4. Brian Boehringer
5. Jack Wilson
6. Raul Mondesi (other)

2005 Payroll Leaders
1. Matt Lawton (black!)
2. Mark Redman
3. Jack Wilson
4. Kip Wells
5. Craig Wilson
6. Josh Fogg

2006 Payroll Leaders
1. Sean Casey
2. Jeromy Burnitz
3. Jack Wilson
4. Kip Wells
5. Joe Randa
6. Craig Wilson

2007 Payroll Leaders
1. Matt Morris
2. Jack Wilson
3. Cesar Izturis (other)
4. Shawn Chacon (black!)
5. Jason Bay
6. Adam LaRoche

After hitting his orgasmic peak of white supremacy last season, Dave decided to curb back on the hate by picking up outrageously bad Cesar Izturis, hoping that we wouldn't notice the pattern. That's currently the best theory I have for what the trade was about. It was just so goddamn stupid.

Here are some more names from just the last two seasons - enjoy:

Mike Edwards
Ryan Vogelsong
Tom Gorzelanny
Paul Maholm
Jonah Bayliss
Matt Capps
John Grabow
Matt Kata
Josh Phelps
Ryan Doumit
Nate McLouth
Xavier Nady
Bryan Bullington
Sean Burnett
Dave Davidson
Zach Duke
Josh Sharpless
John Van Benschoten
Brad Eldred
Chris Duffy
Jim Tracy
Jim Colborn
Jeff Cox
Bobby Cuellar
Jim Lett
Jeff Manto