Hate blogs work

I am the best blogger EVER.

the only part of this game that didn't suck

The FSN camera men clearly agree with me on this: the bat boy's feeble attempt to dislodge a piece of Ryan Doumit's shattered bat out of the backstop screen was more interesting to watch than the feeble attempt at baseball.

Pirates' Baseball

Nothing against Salomon Torres. I named my car after him, in fact.

But seriously, if you're going to send him out to pitch, you're criminally insane.

Tales of a Fourth Starter Nothing

I'm fine with our gimpy little centerfielder hitting a double to knock in the tying run. I'm not okay with him being referred to as Nate the Great on air. Those books were very important to my childhood, and I'll be damned if some hoser is going to ruin that part of my life, too.

Matt Morris

IP - 6.0
H - 7
BB - 5
ER - 5
R - 5
K - 0
HR - 1
Strikes - 45
Balls - 48

First meeting on the mound

Jim Colborn: not the answer.

Omar Vizquel

Gives himself up. AGAIN; this time, however, there happened to be a former Pirate outfielder on thirdbase, ready to score.

I don't want to talk about it.

Third time at the plate for Rajai

Triple.

He's now a homerun away from The Cycle.

Homerun #758

It's not Matt Morris's fault that Bonds just took him yard. Nor is it Barry's fault that people are going to hate him.

No; I'd rather blame Dave Littlefield.

serenity now.

It's not Rajai Davis's fault that he's playing well for another team. Nor is it his fault that Matt Morris sucks.

No; I'd rather blame steroids.



p.s. After Vizquel tried to give himself up, AGAIN, Morris went on to walk him.

Ryan Doumit

...has a really strong arm. He just nailed the guy at the plate trying to tag up. It makes me wonder why we never saw an extended trial of Nady in center, Doumit in right, and Freddy leading off.

Eat shit, Jim Tracey.

First pitch of the bottom of the second

Screamer off the centerfield wall.

First blood

Omar Vizquel, the fielder and the gentleman, decided to cut our fair city and his former teammate a break, and gave himself up with a not-swing of the bat. Then the next guy singled in Rajai Davis. And Bonds just walked!

W - 1
H - 2
IP - .3

= I don't want to talk about it.

Fourth pitch from Morris

Over for a strike.

p.s. Rajai Davis just stole second.

Third pitch from Morris

Base hit by Rajai Davis.

First pitch from Morris

Ball.

Nate McLouth

Where did they get this guy? WHY!?

I shouldn't be this emotional. Except for the fact that he's just another Tike Redmond - and I was promised that we were done with Tike Redmond. I hate you, Littlefield.

Pre-game

Tonight I'm blogging live from my couch in Pittsburgh, where I'll be watching and reviewing Matt Morris as he goes up against his former team, the San Francisco Giants. I anticipate mediocrity and outrage being keys to tonight's game.

They're showing him stretch right now. I hope he had to pay for that pullover with his own money.

Dave Littlefield is afraid of black people

After the Morris deal I started thinking about how all the Pirates' big contracts go to mediocre white guys. I remembered a Q&A on their website last season, where someone had written "The Pirates are the whitest, most American-born roster in baseball; Is there anything to it?" At the time I was just impressed that Q&A guy decided to field that one. Now I realize it was a plant, set up to reassure us that everything is fine. Things are not fine, Ladies & Gentlemen: Dave Littlefield is afraid of black people.

2001 Payroll Leaders
1. Brian Giles
2. Kevin Young (black!)
3. Jason Kendall
4. Derek Bell (black!)
5. Omar Olivares (other)
6. Pat Meares

2002 Payroll Leaders
1. Brian Giles
2. Jason Kendall
3. Kevin Young (black!)
4. Kris Benson
5. Mike Fetters
6. Mike Williams

2003 Payroll Leaders
1. Brian Giles
2. Jason Kendall
3. Kevin Young (black!)
4. Kris Benson
5. Mike Williams
6. Aramis Ramirez (other)

2004 Payroll Leaders
1. Jason Kendall
2. Kris Benson
3. Kip Wells
4. Brian Boehringer
5. Jack Wilson
6. Raul Mondesi (other)

2005 Payroll Leaders
1. Matt Lawton (black!)
2. Mark Redman
3. Jack Wilson
4. Kip Wells
5. Craig Wilson
6. Josh Fogg

2006 Payroll Leaders
1. Sean Casey
2. Jeromy Burnitz
3. Jack Wilson
4. Kip Wells
5. Joe Randa
6. Craig Wilson

2007 Payroll Leaders
1. Matt Morris
2. Jack Wilson
3. Cesar Izturis (other)
4. Shawn Chacon (black!)
5. Jason Bay
6. Adam LaRoche

After hitting his orgasmic peak of white supremacy last season, Dave decided to curb back on the hate by picking up outrageously bad Cesar Izturis, hoping that we wouldn't notice the pattern. That's currently the best theory I have for what the trade was about. It was just so goddamn stupid.

Here are some more names from just the last two seasons - enjoy:

Mike Edwards
Ryan Vogelsong
Tom Gorzelanny
Paul Maholm
Jonah Bayliss
Matt Capps
John Grabow
Matt Kata
Josh Phelps
Ryan Doumit
Nate McLouth
Xavier Nady
Bryan Bullington
Sean Burnett
Dave Davidson
Zach Duke
Josh Sharpless
John Van Benschoten
Brad Eldred
Chris Duffy
Jim Tracy
Jim Colborn
Jeff Cox
Bobby Cuellar
Jim Lett
Jeff Manto

For Rajai Davis; I hardly knew you

The AP reports that "The Pittsburgh Pirates acquired pitcher Matt Morris from San Francisco on Tuesday, an uncommon deal for a high-priced player by an out-of-contention team at the trading deadline."

The Giants were looking for a team to take some of their high-salaried players, and the Pirates will pick up the remainder of Morris' $10,037,283 contract for this season. He is due $9.5 million for next season, plus a $2 million payment at the end of the season.

"Almost at the 11th hour we were talking to two other teams I would consider competitors in the playoff situation. Pittsburgh stepped up, not only to take on the player as is -- meaning the contract -- but the potential return," in Davis, Sabean said.

"Morris and Izturis definitely improve our team, and are solid additions for us," Littlefield said. "We have not given up a lot as far as talent to get these type of players, and feel very comfortable they will be a big plus for us in the future."

Comparison Post Based on an Internet Conversation w/ My Girlfriend #1

ME: so are you okay with me writing a sports blog?
MY GIRLFRIEND: yes
MY GIRLFRIEND: why wouldn't i be?
MY GIRLFRIEND: as long as you're not constantly berating the white sox or something
ME: i'm...probably not
MY GIRLFRIEND: i can live with that

------------------------------------------------------------

Meet Ken Williams. He is big Dave's better. Here are some people who work for Ken, and approximately how much they're being paid by the White Sox:

Darin Erstad - $1,000,000 / 2007 salary

Scott Podsednik - $2,900,000 / 2007 salary

Joe Crede - $4,940,000 / 2007 salary

Jermaine Dye - $7,000,000 / 2007 salary

Jose Contreras - $9,000,000 / 2007 salary


Yikes. Not great contracts for Mr. Williams. I guess he should have thought better than to sign people to multi-million dollar deals coming off career years that most likely will never be replicated. Ah well. Anyhoo, here's someone who also works in Chicago, as well as an approximate figure of how much he's getting paid by the Pittsburgh Pirates this season:

Jason Kendall - $12,858,194 / 2007 salary

If Ken Williams turned out to be a nazi, then I would probably be swayed to think he was worse than Dave Littlefield. Actually I wouldn't be, considering that Littlefield never had the dumb luck to bring home a championship.

Open Letter #1

Dave,

You may remember me. I wrote an open letter to you on my inner-feelings blog, two years ago. The content was mostly ideas on how to make the Pirates a better team (chop salary by not hiring BAD players; use saved money to pay GOOD players; if nothing else, buy up an army of homeless people and look for a prospect in there; etc.). Anyway, if you don't remember it, that's okay. You clearly dismissed my ideas, and that's why I'm writing to you now - on my hate blog!

I hate you. I hate you so much. You're breast cancer. How did you get this job?! Is this like the scam in 'Major League'? It couldn't be - you keep spending the owner's money. Maybe this is like 'Brewster's Millions,' where you have to blow through as much cash and win as few games as possible in order to collect the $300,000,000 inheritance from your dead, white, slave-owning relative at the end of the 30 day period. I can't actually disprove that that's what's going on, and henceforth will just assume you killed John Candy (and always disliked Richard Pryor's standup because he was black and you're bigoted).

What it boils down to is this: EAT SHIT. Closing down our city's steel industry was bad enough. Then you had to come and not improve our struggling baseball team. And how you didn't improve it! Fucking slut.

for one You spent Jeromy Burnitz $6,000,000 on year 313 ABs!! .711 OPS!!! fielding range. Below average www.UNICEF.org: you could have saved people's lives with that money!! But now they're dead!

So listen, Penisface: you suck and if I could get you fired, I would. But fortunately for you, Major League Baseball is a feudal system, in which I am but a pissed-off serf. Therefore, I aim to remove you from power via cyber-malice. Expect to be hated to the point where you can no longer remain employed.

Cordially,
TJI