Open Letter #1

Dave,

You may remember me. I wrote an open letter to you on my inner-feelings blog, two years ago. The content was mostly ideas on how to make the Pirates a better team (chop salary by not hiring BAD players; use saved money to pay GOOD players; if nothing else, buy up an army of homeless people and look for a prospect in there; etc.). Anyway, if you don't remember it, that's okay. You clearly dismissed my ideas, and that's why I'm writing to you now - on my hate blog!

I hate you. I hate you so much. You're breast cancer. How did you get this job?! Is this like the scam in 'Major League'? It couldn't be - you keep spending the owner's money. Maybe this is like 'Brewster's Millions,' where you have to blow through as much cash and win as few games as possible in order to collect the $300,000,000 inheritance from your dead, white, slave-owning relative at the end of the 30 day period. I can't actually disprove that that's what's going on, and henceforth will just assume you killed John Candy (and always disliked Richard Pryor's standup because he was black and you're bigoted).

What it boils down to is this: EAT SHIT. Closing down our city's steel industry was bad enough. Then you had to come and not improve our struggling baseball team. And how you didn't improve it! Fucking slut.

for one You spent Jeromy Burnitz $6,000,000 on year 313 ABs!! .711 OPS!!! fielding range. Below average www.UNICEF.org: you could have saved people's lives with that money!! But now they're dead!

So listen, Penisface: you suck and if I could get you fired, I would. But fortunately for you, Major League Baseball is a feudal system, in which I am but a pissed-off serf. Therefore, I aim to remove you from power via cyber-malice. Expect to be hated to the point where you can no longer remain employed.

Cordially,
TJI